What I really want (Day 4)

Midweek and my grand experiment is already something of a failure.  Email was checked and responded to.  The little green text message number on my phone beckoned.  All good friends just saying hello, but each one made me feel slightly more guilty than the last.  Who am I to not respond to their thoughtful messages?  What kind of self-centered neurotic cuts herself off from everyone just to stand back and see what happens?  Could there be a louder cry of “Look at me everybody!  Don’t you miss me when I’m gone?”  I’m disgusted with myself for the sentiment.  Day four:  self-loathing sets in.  I want to give up entirely but that would mean admitting failure.  Best to just pretend everything is going well as I read through the highlights of my Facebook news feed, careful not to comment on or even LIKE anything because Facebook will fucking snitch on me.  I’ve already had a few helpful reflective moments today about this whole tech dependency and how it’s affecting me, but who wants to hear about any of that?  Maybe day 5 is for revelations.  Today is for the messy business of confronting the ugliness inside myself, the muck that I don’t see when I’m immersed in email or social media.  The raw, small part of me that aches when I feel ignored, even if that ignoring is something I asked for specifically.  Don’t look at me!  But are you sure you wouldn’t rather just look at me? 

Surely there are people who don’t care this much about the freaking internet.  Surely there are people who are living actual lives that don’t depend on text messages.  I want to be one of them.

Next:  Reassimilation (Day 5)

Previous:  Meet Shmarrie Shmadian (Day 3)

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